Hosted by Jessica Paschke on https://www.intuitivebythesea.com/blog/q-and-a-with-kendra-mcmurray-shadow-work
"In this Soul Studio Conversations interview, Kendra McMurray joins me for an in-depth exploration of shadow work, in this time when the veil is so thin. It is always a pleasure to have Kendra sharing her insight and wisdom—she’s so amazing and I’m so grateful for her generous offer of time and teachings."
It's been about 4 months since my last update but I've got good reasons for my absence. Part of it is just the sheer anxiety and drama over a world in free fall, at least in my mind. I'm tired and at times I'm paralyzed with fear but not too paralyzed that it's constant. During those moments of movement I'm taking classes, being coached, and learning how to walk between the worlds without losing pieces of myself in the process. The last year has been a blur, a virtual haze of humanness, all in slow motion. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve thought about moving away to an island only to be gripped with terror over how to travel in a Covid world gone mad. Even my own imagination has anxiety LOL
On a personal development front, I’m in the process of getting a team together to get my book published, redesigning my website and rebranding. My goal is to have a book deal in place by the end of 2021. I finished a 6 month Mórrígan intensive program at the Irish Pagan School where I learned how to Journey, connect with and walk with the Irish Goddess, Mórrígan and her sisters. It has led to a deepening of my commitment to community, family and my role as a divine channel and messenger for Spirit. I joined a monthly, membership-based community called The Sagrada Collective and have enjoyed learning from BIPOC Brujas, healers and witches who talk and teach about ancestors, herbs, divination, birth stories, magick, and mediumship! Which leads me into plans for my own future as a teacher and guide... I am in talks with a fellow intuitive guide about co-teaching a course on Dreams and Dream Work so stay tuned for more on upcoming course offerings!
So, enough of the updates, on to the call...I'll be hosting and Intuitive Healer Zoom call each month beginning in January, for those interested. To learn more about the circles, click here to sign up. It's important to opt-in and subscribe so you can receive closed/private monthly call information straight to your email. I don't know how long these will be hosted but I'm going with the flow and for now I'm being told that we need this space and face time. With so much action in the cosmos it's hard not to see the urgency of our mission. I know you're tired, I know it's a lot, but we signed up for these important roles during a time of deep transformation. I see you behind the scenes, loving and giving so much of yourself, teaching, guiding, uplifting, etc. Healers need support now more than ever so my Zoom room is your Zoom room, meet me in it!
There’s one dream that has stuck with me for 3 years. I woke up on September 9th, 2017 visibly shaken. I remember the details like it was yesterday... I was looking at a map of a town and saw myself standing in front of a park. Occoquan is the small town I visit when I need some time by myself to be closest to the river and they have a small park in the town center so I assumed I was there. In the next scene I was in some type of dark basement or dungeon of what felt like a castle or ancient, stone building. There was a doll similar to the one on the movie, Annabelle, and scrawled on the walls to my left were the words “Gaelic Gothic Daemon”. I remember thinking that doll was trying to communicate with me telepathically and seeing the word “daemon” written in Old English font on a wall made the scene feel way more eerie than necessary. It was one of the oddest dreams I’d had up until that point.
The word daemon had me on edge for months and although I really didn’t understand what “Gaelic” or “gothic” referenced either, I was somehow less concerned about that connection. I searched “Gaelic and gothic daemons” and the results were all over the place, most centered on Irish or Scottish spirits but none of that felt relevant at the time so I focused my search strictly on the word “daemon”. I think I settled on it meaning the higher self or part of ourselves, some sites mentioned “fate” as being attached to the word. I was most interested in how Greek philosophers used the word during their time and I badly wanted it to mean that vs. the “demon” I grew up learning about in Christianity. The idea of THAT entity visiting me in dreams made my stomach churn. I was programmed to fear any and all demons or demonic activity. I never questioned my fear of these demons, I just knew I wanted no parts of it because people said it was bad.
I believe I understand what that dream means now. I’ve been in a 6 month Intensive, studying about the Irish goddess, Mórrígan. It appears that the Mórrígan has been calling me for a lot longer than I first assumed. I’m looking back at my dreams and visions and connecting the dots and hearing this in my head as I type: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil...” I don’t know many Bible verses but this one seems appropriate.
She was labeled a demon as goddess culture died out and Christianity moved in. I started thinking more about how she’s viewed outside of Irish culture after I was tagged to view an old episode of Ghost Adventures that featured some “haunted” Irish sites, including the Morrigan’s cave.
(Episode: https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5sk3qh). The show host, Zak Bagans, asks the historical site guides Lora O’Brien, if the Mórrígan is a demon and Lora casually says that some people have called her such. Important side note - Lora, is an author, teacher, and founder of Irish Pagan School where I’m taking classes! ;)
It’s through my study of the Mórrígan’s lore and stories that I’m becoming a lot more comfortable walking through that “valley of the shadow of death” but I still wonder about that word and why it causes so much fear. Who attached meaning to it? When the Greeks were using the word it seemed a lot less malevolent (The movie Maleficent has a pretty great lesson if you pay attention). Why was a female deity of prophecy, magic, poetry, war, and death viewed as a demon? Was her power seen as a threat? (Here’s the answer....yes!)
Whether you truly believe in gods/goddesses and demons as divine beings or simply archetypes, there’s something to be said for the power they hold. Gods/goddesses in mythology across various cultures can represent concrete items, animals, abstract concepts or aspects of our human selves. These representations can be seen as energy that takes on a life of its own. Demons often represent destruction, chaos, malice, darkness and death. According to stories, they are the sinister entities that seek to wreak havoc. They are also the unwanted, dark energies that shine a light on the forces we can’t control or aspects of ourselves that no one wants to talk about. This how the universe works though, in wholeness exists dark and light, that’s balance.
Would love to know your thoughts on demons or the use of this word for certain supernatural beings. Add them to comments below!
Interview Date/Time: July 6, 2020 9:30 am EST
Hosted by: Intuitive Guide, Jessica Paschke as part of the Soul Studio Summer Healing Series
Original Source (re-posted by permission): https://www.intuitivebythesea.com/blog/q-and-a-with-kendra-mcmurray
When other people speak about trauma I usually don’t feel especially married to the word. Trauma feels more violent, abusive, and overt. I had managed to distance myself from that space of suffering up until recently.
The truth is, we’ve all suffered from some form of trauma at one time of another. Many of us are still dealing with the aftermath of traumatic events in our lives.
Trauma creates our own personal hell.
My acceptance of the word and it’s impact on my life is new. I’m still sifting through my shit. And this is my admission before it appears in any book...
My trauma came from witnessing alcoholism in my family during childhood, clinical depression in young adulthood, and a diagnosis of a chronic illness only a few short years ago.
I grew up a member of Generation X. We are known as the “forgotten generation”. I was used to feigning indifference about everything. I never blamed anyone else for my own insecurities or fears, I just went down whatever path life took me. It was me against the world in my head. I was a solitary creature and like my mom says, I acted like I’d been hatched from an egg 😄 (That reeks of privilege, in actuality I wanted for nothing.)
I became a mother at 26, had my first panic attack shortly after his birth, and quickly slipped into post-partum depression (PPD). I wasn’t an affectionate mother...but neither was my own mother as much as she loved and protected my brother and I. Clinical depression soon followed in PPD’s footsteps and then came the realization that I’d always sort of felt this way but the identification of it made me feel better about this way of being.
I started unpacking these uncomfortable emotions in my 30s and went to multiple therapists. “I can do this,” I thought, “It’s fine, I’m fine”.
But I wasn’t fine. I felt suicidal at one point and the thought of driving into oncoming traffic one morning scared me enough to try medication.
That was a clusterfuck of a period in my life. I didn’t know whether I was coming or going but I did know that I wasn’t ready to die just yet.
Days before my 39th birthday I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. It’s a diagnosis I’d been waiting to hear my entire life. That sounds crazy but it’s true. I knew at some point I’d get diagnosed with something I’d have to carry a lifetime. I just didn’t know what form my traveling companion would take. I knew 6 years before scans and tests could discern any abnormalities. I should’ve known then I was a “traveler”.
Yes, time travel is real to me. Just as real as the voices that give me guidance and the images that manifest out of thin air and hover beside me.
Trauma created the being I’ve become and still becoming. Trauma helped me see beyond the veil. It’s helped me connect the dots in a world that doesn’t often make sense and created community where I was once all alone. It’s given me refuge and sacred spaces, empathy and a new love of self. Trauma gave me strength even during the times I yelled at the sky and asked why I felt so weak.
Trauma creates Phoenixes 🔥 There’s healing on the other side of hell. I promise.
To be continued...
Storyteller | Dream Worker | Soul Bridge
It’s been a long day but one that held a surprising challenge. I am not a fan of being on videos or wading into cyber circles of people I’m not familiar with. I often feel like an outsider and guess I’ve grown accustomed to the emotions that come along with the label. Today though, was different. I did both things.
I received an email invitation early this morning for a Zoom gathering for one of the online groups I’m in. I work during the day and with the time difference I can’t usually make the weekly mid-day events. I considered making up a lie to get out of a meeting at work since it was happening over my lunch break but I told myself if I was meant to attend this other event it would happen. Sure enough 20 minutes before my meeting at work, the participant asked if we could reschedule.
Thankful, I made my way over to the hosted chat. I saw the names of people I often see in the group and seeing their faces made it more real. I didn’t know these people personally, many from other countries, but they’ve still been my adoptive family of sorts. They took me into their space when I began connecting with energy of Irish goddesses late last year. If you’ve followed me since then you’ll know I’ve been in a bit of a courtship with the Morrigan and it’s a relationship I’m still trying to navigate. She’s showing me my own shadow every moment she gets.
I heard that word for the first time today. The topic of discussion was “death rituals”. I’ve never been attracted to the idea of death but when I saw the topic I knew I needed to be a part of the conversation. Everyone who wanted to share virtually raised their hand. I sat there listening and 20 minutes in I finally raised mine. I didn’t want to but I was pushed to speak up. I was 11th in line to speak with no guarantee they’d get to me but just as Spirit dictated, I was given a platform 5 minutes before the end.
While many spoke of the rituals surrounding the dead and the emotions of the loved ones left behind, I spoke briefly about my role as a medium and soul transition guide. I see death through a very different lens than most. To me they aren’t really “dead”, they simply exist in a different form without a body.
It would’ve been easy to listen from the sidelines but Spirit had other plans. I pushed past the fear and gave voice to those who’ve crossed over. They still matter, they still exist.
Maybe I’m a deathling, I don’t really know yet. More to come as I dive deeper into the meaning and examine how it’s all connected.
Storyteller | Dream Worker | Soul Bridge
Yesterday I was working in my home office and kept hearing my house groan and creak. It’s not unusual to hear the haunting sounds of a house’s skeleton buckle and settle but what I heard sounded more like someone had walked through the front door and was now inside of the walls trying to get my attention.
I stopped breathing for a few seconds and listened to what sounded like a footstep, then something large fell. I could hear the rush of blood in my ear; my heart was racing and my stomach felt hollow. I waited a few moments before stepping out of the office and peering around the corner. I had all sorts of scenarios cooked up in my head and none of them had a good outcome.
I told myself to be brave and step out to look around, “Protect YOUR space, this is your house!” The words I heard me tell myself gave me courage but courage alone doesn’t protect a body from human invaders. I was tired of standing there debating with myself and made my way downstairs to check each room.
All clear, I didn’t find any human invaders.
And this is the part where I tell you that I am more scared of the living than I am of the dead but that wasn’t always the case.
As a child I believed in ghosts, goblins, angels and all of the other “unseens”. I could feel energy shifts and knew they, the spirits and ghosts of the dead, were always around. I never saw one materialize but I could feel them. I worried about them a lot. Living people didn’t scare me, dead people did because I knew they could be anywhere at any time and no one would believe me if I told them.
Now though I see through a very different pair of eyes.
I didn’t find anything suspicious so I went back to work and forgot all about the noises until later that night. That’s when the story started coming together...
I manage a free Facebook group and in that group we talk about dreams, the supernatural, our intuitive gifts, and magic. I created this community for those interested in the topics I'm writing about in my first book. A member posted her photo and requested a reading. Some of the members in this group are experienced intuitives versed in reading energy while others are interested in learning, sharing and growing into their own magical gifts. I don’t advertise readings in the group since it’s not the sole focus of the group but I don’t discourage them either.
It seemed that Spirit had a hand in her post because she mentioned that she wasn’t even sure that forum was the right place for her request and wrote, “delete if not allowed”. I kept it up there because I thought it was an appropriate and entirely relevant post. A few members responded with valuable insight and I commented something about the advice being sound and wise then logged off. I was in the middle of dinner with a glass of wine in one hand and my phone in the other. I didn’t have any intention on doing energy work and as a general rule try not to mix my spirits with my spirits if you know what I mean.
I went to the bathroom to take a shower and that’s when I heard a name, it started with a “d” and suddenly a flood of images of a childhood that wasn’t my own flashed in my head. I went back to my phone to look at that post and her photo and that's when the bathroom lights began to flicker. I took my shower but resumed the online discussion when I got out; two hours, multiple comments and a few confirmations later it hit me...
Of course the noises I heard in my house that morning didn’t come from the living. Sometimes I forget who I’ve become but they, the spirits, promptly remind me when it’s time to get a message across to the ones they love. It’s one of the reasons I refer to myself as a soul bridge. When they try to connect it’s never the “right” time for me, I’m usually sitting in my car at a stoplight, standing naked in my bathroom or in the middle of doing a million other things that humans do. I usually drop what I’m doing to allow myself to become that connector/messenger/channel/bridge because I love the role I play.
This is my life now.
Storyteller| Dream Worker | Soul Bridge
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Seer Life Chronicles
Journal Entry 2/8/2020
I’m still struggling to embrace this new existence as an emissary between the realms, responsible to a collective group of souls flowing in and out of different states of consciousness every other millisecond. I’m wide awake even when I’m sleep, forever connected to a never-ending source of divine energy. This week in dream state, I reached across that veil and brought back a handful of messages. I delivered each one of them without question or doubt. And as much as I always want the messages to resonate or be symbolic of a deeper meaning, often times that’s not the case. Maybe I pass along a “hello” from a passed loved one or validate a feeling the person already had and sometimes it’s a gentle warning to heed or just the right amount of guidance to help them make a decision. This morning I had a dream about climbing and falling from a rock wall and it turned out to be for someone who was indeed planning a rock wall climbing trip with friends. He’s now reconsidering the activity.
I consider myself blessed to be a vessel. This body is on loan but this spirit has been generously gifted and assigned.
Storyteller | Dream Worker | Soul Bridge
I pulled these cards last night and realized it was time to finally let go of the person I’ve known my entire life. That person is still a child and grew up sheltered and fiercely protected, yet starved of attention and affection she didn’t think she needed early on. She was a bit dramatic and quite the storyteller - because playing the role of someone else always seemed more glamorous. She used humor to hide her hurt and silence to mute the anger. She never felt beautiful enough and didn’t stand out from the crowd. She wasn’t a leader nor was she a follower, that made her a mystery to some. (Side note: When you’re labeled an enigma or mysterious, people gravitate to you more out of curiosity than true love. True sensitives see through that you know 😏)
That girl grew up scared of everything. Risks weren’t a thing in her life, she took none because no one took them with her out of caution and care. She was anxious around people she didn’t know because she could feel their intent when others couldn’t. That’s probably why she had more imaginary friends than real ones. She lost herself in books and to be honest, I don’t think she ever wanted to be found again. She wrote, read and daydreamed. She thought she’d be content living out her days doing exactly what she loved, in silence, alone, away. But then she got older and everything changed on the outside but on the inside the little girl was still in control. The inner child never grows up, they are the forever child. They need love and healing but we have to acknowledge when it’s time to grow up and let that child transition peacefully. The woman refuses to let the child go because protecting that child is all she’s ever done but the woman is moving into a phase of life where she needs to be able to navigate like the adult she is.
Last night while I was in the shower I prayed for the death of pieces of the old me and big shifts even though I know with that comes much uncertainty. I’ve never prayed for death in that way. The thought of what energy comes with that very specific ask is scary. I’m scared that my change won’t be accepted by those closest to me and with that comes more loss. I suppose that’s a pessimistic attitude to take and signals the shift needs to happen in my mind first. (I won’t get all woo and tell you about the block in my crown chakra because sometimes I don’t even believe the bullshit coming out of my mouth). In any case, it’s pretty clear the time has come to make a clean break. I don’t know exactly what that means for the girl or the woman moving forward but I surrender, I can’t fight it anymore. I can only wish them both well and focus on the becoming and evolution of the woman.
Fingers crossed that the right one gets out of this thing alive...
INTUITIVE PRACTITIONER NOTE: This is where tools like cards can assist you in your personal development and mastery process. Most people use oracle and tarot cards strictly for divination and guidance to see what’s coming next but these cards when used correctly, can help you identify issues and blocks. Once identified you can work to heal these wounds and break unhealthy cycles which helps keep you in divine alignment. I’ve been getting similar cards for a while which meant there was an ongoing pattern I needed to address. Along with pulling my daily cards I journal about how the card messages showed up for me toward the end of the day. It’s a process that takes commitment but it’s worth it. I’ll do a full blog post on it soon!
Oracle Card decks pictured: Goddess Power Oracle, Wisdom of Avalon, and The Good Tarot
September 2018: The Seraphim
I remember waking up in the middle of the night, unable to go back to sleep so I watched the movement of the tree branch shadows clawing at my walls. Then a distinct call...
I turned my head slightly to the right, I wanted to answer but I couldn’t because for a moment I stopped breathing to listen. I pulled the blanket close to my face, right under my eyes so I could still see but shield myself if something sinister manifested in front of me. I still wasn’t comfortable with hearing “dead people shit”. Something though told me to ask who it was. “Who’s calling me?” I whispered low enough not to wake my husband up. There wasn’t a response from anyone in my room but in my head I heard “guardian angel.” It’s easier to dismiss things heard in your head spoken in your own voice than audible words heard externally so the next thing I did was head to Google to search the phrase, “someone called my name”. I don’t know what I thought I’d find on the internet that would help me solve this mystery but I was following my gut on this. The first result that came up was an image and link to this album cover. The band’s name was Seraphim, the song listed underneath was “Call Out My Name”.
“The Seraphim”. I felt my body buzz saying that aloud. So I researched that online too. I’d only connected with archangels up until that point and didn’t know much about Seraphim angels outside of their hierarchy in certain religions. I didn’t even know if they really existed because it took me a year to believe in archangels and I still had trouble completely believing. I lie awake on my phone for about an hour before I got sleepy again and out of nowhere I noticed a wave of energy above me, similar to heat rising. I watched it float from the right to the left and stop and a tiny, green pin light shot across my face like a star. And you see, this is why having my blanket blockade nearby was helpful in my mind, the 6 year old girl in me pulled it over my face and hid until the sun rose that morning.
That day I hadn’t given much more thought to what I told myself I saw until a classmate from an online program I was enrolled in sent me a message asking if I worked with angels, the Seraphim to be exact. She wanted to know because she had heard my name twice during one of her energy sessions and sent me the name of a book called The Seraphim Blueprint.
That was the start of my relationship with the Seraphim. You’ll be able to read about my journey with these celestial beings at some point but for now, I ask you to suspend disbelief, keep an open mind...and a blanket nearby 😉
(Photo Credit: Via YouTube, band cover of the song, Call Out My Name - https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_WmADJ2aOVc)